News abridged has moved house....

Click here from now on.... www.newsabridged.com

Osama Bin Laden - An Obituary

Osama Bin Laden – the world’s most wanted fugitive – has been killed by US forces. As with all news stories of this scale, there has been a huge and varied reaction.

But first, as a quick recap…

Osama Bin Laden was the founder of al-Qaeda, which is probably the most powerful and widespread terrorist network we have ever been up against. He was born and grew up in Saudi Arabia with a silver spoon in his mouth – the 25th (or thereabouts) son of a billionaire construction tycoon. He was a smart kid, no doubt about it, and it was at University that he really started to forge an interest in radical Islamist politics. 

From there, he started setting up Islamic schools in Pakistan.

The Taliban – which is the very strict and scary militia group that operates today in Afghanistan and parts of Pakistan – mostly arose from the these very schools, and have thus always been strongly linked to Bin Laden. 

Things really started going south when; furious that Saudi Arabia had started chumming up with the West in the early 90’s, Bin Laden was expelled from his native country for being too inflammatory and mental. 

Being reasonably clever, very angry and stinking rich – Bin Laden could now go about founding a terrorist group unlike any other. His aim? The Islamification of the whole world. His strategy? Terror, literally. Bin Laden orchestrated a number of major attacks throughout the 90’s; leading up to the (alleged) bombing of the Twin Towers in New York, ten years ago in 2001. Since then he has been evading capture by the US. Until now.


Bin Laden was found living in a luxury compound in Pakistan – a stone’s throw away from Pakistan’s key military base. According to most, this is blatant proof that Pakistan was concealing and protecting him in some form. Which, if true, could spell all out war with America. Pakistan has long insisted that they have checked *absolutely everywhere*, and that there was no way Bin Laden was hiding within their borders. They have also been accepting about $1billion a year from America to help try and ‘track him down.’

US Special Forces have been motoring this property for months, and as soon as they were sure Bin Laden was living there; Obama ordered his death. He was shot in the head, and allegedly has already been buried at sea. 

So what can we conclude? The move has certainly given Obama an enormous popularity boost. Most of America see this as much needed and long overdue justice.

Skeptics and conspiracy theorists think the whole thing is rubbish and than Bin Laden is either still alive, or has already been dead for years. 

Whatever the case, this obviously does not spell the end for al-Qaeda. If anything, it is likely to rile them up more. Obama has warned America and its allies to be extremely vigilant, as revenge attacks should be expected any time now. 

Honestly, nothing else particularly significant happened in the news today…

Trump Trumped... and other news...

Good Sunday,

It has been difficult, again, to eke out much other news in the UK that isn’t centered around where Kate and William will be going on their honeymoon; and what went down at the wedding speeches. We don’t know where the honeymoon will be, and Prince Harry apparently referred to his brother – and our future King – as a ‘major dude.’ In case you were interested.

Here’s what else has happened today:

Factories in China, which are working fiendishly to produce enough apple iPads and iPhones to meet demand, have reached new lows. Due to the excessive number of recent worker suicides – (terrible working conditions, overly strict and often bullying bosses; and stupidly long hours mainly to blame) – factory owners have made a new rule. No-one is allowed to commit suicide and everyone is now required to sign a pledge promising not to. For obvious reasons, it is fair to say that they are barking up the wrong tree here.

Over in Afghanistan, following the Taliban’s warning only yesterday that more attacks should be expected, four have been carried out today. One gunman opened fire on a police checkpoint, one bicycle bomb wounded at least 13 civilians and – worst of all – a 12 year-old boy blew himself up in a crowded market in Paktika.

In Tawain, a blogger and self proclaimed ‘Prophet’ has caused widespread panic by predicting a huge earthquake and tsunami there, on the 11th of May. Police suspect he is conspiring with a cargo-container company to make money. Why? Because he has recommended that worried people should fork out the equivalent of over £3k for one of these things... to ‘hide in’ when the ‘natural disaster’ strikes. Don’t hold your breath.

Gaddafi’s loyalists have (predictably) flipped out following Nato’s killing of (another) of the leaders sons; and have today been attacking British and Italian embassies in Tripoli, as well as UN offices. The UN is subsequently withdrawing all its international staff from the capital.

Finally, on a much lighter note – President Obama has trumped Donald Trump, by embarassing him publically at the annual ‘White House Correspondents Dinner.’ Trump has been loudly accusing Obama recently of lying about his birthplace, and therefore being an illegitimate leader - accusations that were silenced last week when Obama produced his birth certificate for all to see.

So the President took to the stage and opened his speech with the display of a pre-produced music video; featuring images of America, shots of his birth certificate and a very patriotic soundtrack entitled ‘Real American.’ He then went on to say that if the paperwork wasn’t enough proof, his guests would next be treated to an official video of his birth. At which point he brought up a clip from Disney’s 'The Lion King', featuring the birth of Simba. You can watch it here, and you really should. Trump was in the audience, and turned out to be the only person in the room unamused by Obamsa’s stunt.

See you tomorrow…

One honeymoon, several deaths and a victory for stem cell research…

Good Saturday,

Just to get The Royal Wedding out of the way: the happy couple are off on their honeymoon. No, we don’t know where to – but we do know that it will be short and sweet. William has apparently promised to be back at work (for the RAF) on Tuesday. Move along now, nothing else to see here.

The situation in Libya – which has been ugly for a while – just got uglier. Nato has struck very close to home for Gaddafi (literally) and killed another of his sons in an air raid on his compound. Not only his son, but three of his grandsons too.

At around the same time as the fatalities occurred; Gaddafi had released a live, televised speech: “The door to peace is open” he said, “Why are you attacking us?!” Gaddafi denied any wrongdoing on his part but said that he was ready to negotiate and agree to a cease-fire. Words we’ve heard before. Nato has insisted that they won’t cease anything until Gaddafi relinquishes power.

Over in Afghanistan, the Taliban has warned of more attacks on ‘foreign invaders’ – i.e. Brits and Yanks. They have gone so far as to tell all Afghans to keep away from future ‘gatherings, convoys and centres’ so that they don’t get absolutely decimated in any upcoming acts of terrorism on the part of the Taliban. Thoughtful.

The death toll in Southern America has now reached 340, which makes this tornado the second deadliest in the history of the region.

Finally, the practice of stem cell research has won yet another legal battle in America. Plenty of Americans have their knickers in a twist about the scientific practice; which uses human embryos to investigate new medicines – and thus causes huge ethical problems, mainly of a religious nature. I should point out here, that experimenting on human embryos (which don’t even posses brains) is almost undisputedly less savage than experimenting on chimps (who have the mental capacity of a young human child).  But I digress. Stem cell research has been given the go ahead in this instance – which has lead to irate Christians and very happy Scientists.

Until tomorrow….

A Royal Fairytale...

Good Friday,

So they did it. William and Kate got married. The bride looked heart-stoppingly beautiful in ivory lace and the groom looked bashful, overwhelmed and smitten. Exactly as it should be then. A staggering two billion people tuned in to watch from around the world; your dear self probably included, so I’ll save you the long story. But here are the bones of it, in case you happened to be on Mars and missed it.

The event ran with clockwork precision. William struggled to get the ring on Kate’s finger for about three quarters of a second. That was literally the biggest cock up of the day. The couple looked young, suitably nervous; but even for the most steely and emotionally compromised observers (the Queen for example), tear-jerkingly in love. An array of photos have emerged which document the flock of celebrity guests – mostly sporting offensively bright’n’tight ensembles and mostly sprouting elaborate, sculptural displays (hats?) from their nodding, enthusiastic heads. Head to the Daily Mail for the full catalogue.

Honestly though, all in all, the whole day made Britain look very, extremely wonderful for a moment or two.

If you really scrutinize the back pages of any newspaper today, you will find mention of other news:

Syrian forces have opened fire on crowds of protesters, yet again. Seven more deaths were reported today, but – yet again – it has only invited more outrage and more urgent calls for the current regime to be overthrown.

Closer to home now, and to our own rioters. From Bristol. A gang of squatters who won’t leave their squats. Who hurled missiles at Police today. Because the Police wouldn’t get off their backs. I don’t really need to say anymore do I?

In Alabama, USA, where another tornado has ripped through the region, claiming many lives (162 so far) – Obama has stood amongst the rubble and said he has ‘never seen devastation like it.’

Uganda is going the way of many other African countries, with violence erupting over who should be in charge. Current President Yoweri Museveni is facing uproar following his arrest of opposition leader Rizza Besigye – who attests that… you’ve guessed it… recent elections have been rigged.

Ok, finally, it is trivial compared; but it will put a smile on your face, I promise. It just will. William and Kate’s first kiss as man and wife… And I am just going to alert you to the little girl on the bottom left of the photo above. Because she deserves a nod too don't you think?

Goodnight

Conspiracy Heaven in America...

 Good Thursday,

Brits might not really know about this first piece of news, but I think they should. Americans (always fond of a good conspiracy theory) have been squabbling for a while now, over a number of reasonably far fetched (or are they?) propositions about some of their leading politicians.

For example, that Sarah Palin (god-fearing leader of the very conservative republic party) faked the pregnancy of her ‘son’ Trig, who was ‘actually’ born to her (unmarried) daughter, Bristol – and is only bringing Trig up as her own because it can’t get out that Bristol had a child out of wedlock. This would be laughable, but for the fact that Palin has refused to show Trig’s birth certificate in order to prove her innocence.

Obama, on the other hand, has been accused of not actually being born in the United States of America; and therefore being an illegitimate President. These accusations have mainly been leveled by Donald Trump (pictured) – famous American (republican) business tycoon – who is desperate to dethrone Obama, for obvious reasons. Yesterday, Obama dutifully produced his birth certificate in order to get Trump off his back. Today, Trump has come up with a new theory; that Obama somehow faked his way into Harvard University, rather than earned it on merit... again... therefore being an illegitimate President. Evidentially, Trump is still coming to terms with the almost unfeasible fact; that a young, black, through-and-through nice guy has scrambled his way to the top of the political food chain without cheating.

It’s interesting. You’d think that Left and Right would be pretty consistenet across the pond. And yet it’s really not. Mainstream Right Wing (Conservative) in the UK has a reputation for being stuffy, elitist and disconnected with the plight of the poor. Mainstream Right Wing in America has a reputation for being very religious, pretty radical and very popular with the poor.

Anyway – onto to the news…

Yet another high ranking individual has been struck off the guestlist for the Royal Wedding. Earlier, I reported that the Prince of Bahrain had uninvited himself before he could be unvited. Today, in the absence of such a gesture from the Ambassador of Syria, we have done it for him. Over 450 pro-democracy rioters have been killed by Syrian authorities of late. The Ambassador’s prescence at the wedding has subsequently been deemed ‘unacceptable.’

Over 200 people have been killed in Southern America by more freak weather. Alabama says that recent storms have been the worst in their history.

In Libya, Nato planes have mistakenly killed another 12 civilians, whilst attempting to hit Gaddafi’s forces.

Finally, a bomb in the Morocan city of Marakesh has killed 14 people (and counting). What that means, we don’t yet know I’m afraid. But it’s a Middle Eastern country on the verge of revolt, so that could supply us with some clue.

Until tomorrow….

Britian picks up, Syria gets worse and Gaddafi's daughter has her say...

Good Wednesday,

Relatively good news came with new figures released this morning, by the Office for National Statistics, which shows that we have narrowly missed diving back into recession. The British economy has in fact grown half a little percent in the first quarter of 2011. All praise George Osbourne, so they are saying.

The whole of Blighty is tying itself into knots of excitement over the Royal Wedding. Guards, armed forces, clergy and guests have been doing run-throughs and rehearsals galore; and the rest of us have been tracking them fiendishly throughout London to try and get clues about the upcoming ceremony. So far? We know that Westminster Abbey is being filled with trees for the occasion. Interestingly, neither Brown nor Blair have been invited to the wedding – in what is widely seen as a snub to the Labour party. Plenty of old (and obviously current) Conservative leaders are on the list. Meow.

Onto more serious issues next, and David Cameron seems to be backtracking somewhat on his previous assurance that we wouldn’t be arming the Libyan rebels. The dreaded stalemate has set in, and he is now saying that we might have to provide the rebels with guns after all, if they are ever going to overthrow Gaddafi. Up until now, we have been giving them strategic advice only.

Meanwhile, Gaddafi’s daughter (pictured) has spoken out in an interview with the New York Times. She says that the Libyan rebels are a bunch of terrorists and that should they gain power, they will turn on us Westerners the moment they get the chance. She said that the situation would be even worse than it currently is in Iraq and that we were are idiots for betraying her father the way we have.

Finally, an influx of North African immigrants have been flooding into Europe; Italy and France being particularly unhappy about it. Sarkozy and Berlusconi are trying to get the ‘free travel around the EU’ rules changed, and want the immigrants who do gain access to their borders to be ‘distributed’ fairly around all the EU countries, rather than just the popular ones. I.e. France and Italy.

That’s all for today… see you tomorrow…

Mostly British news for once...

Good Tuesday,

Lord Mandelson (better known as Gordon Brown’s slightly eccentric former advisor) has urged Labour supporters to vote for the AV voting system, because it might be enough to knock Cameron off his perch come next election.

Figures have emerged which show that the average UK worker calls in sick (skives off work) about 10 times a year. Apparently, we do so twice as often as the average worker in the US. You have to remember that we Brits have the longest working hours in the developed world, so it’s no wonder we award ourselves the odd duvet day every now and again.

A report claims City workers are still earning enormous amounts of money, even though their bonuses are being cut to make them appear more frugal. Companies are simply raising salaries instead. Not very surprising.

Falling house prices and very low interest rates in the UK means that, for now, buying a house works out nearly £100 cheaper per month than renting one. This makes a change. In 2008, it was almost double the price to buy than to rent. Which is good news for anyone lucky enough to be granted a mortgage at the moment.

A mole has been outed in Pakistan. Not as in a furry, blind, digger. As in a spy. The unnamed man worked for British Intelligence in order to gather information, but was actually an al-Qaeda assassin who now stands accused of bombing Christian churches and a luxury hotel in Pakistan.

You may have been hearing talk recently of the new, scientifically coined ‘Sleepless Elite.’ If you haven’t, I apologize, because it is going make you cross and jealous. The Sleepless Elite are a small minority of humans who thrive on less than 6 hours sleep a night. They are found (naturally) to go to bed late, rise early and motor through their day with no feelings of tiredness and no requirement for naps or industrial strength caffeine. As if that wasn’t enough, they typically have fast metabolisms and a high pain threshold too. Bastards. Scientists are fiendishly attempting to single out the genes so that one day, we could all be so lucky. 

Finally, it has been pointed out that the date of the Royal Wedding (29^th April for the few of you who haven’t got it stuck to your fridge, tattooed to your brain etc etc) coincides with annual ‘Save the Frogs’ day. This provides you, dear reader, with some strong joke-formulating material. Submissions in the comment box below please. Best one wins a prize…

Protests, Prison Breaks and Pensioners

The war in Libya is getting increasingly complicated and, of course, attracting more and more debate about whether getting involved was such a good idea after all. It will apparently cost Britain £1bn over six months to take part, all in, which is an eye watering figure for a country already in debt. On the other hand, some argue that this is a golden opportunity for the Western world to align themselves with one of the strongest emergences of democracy the Arab world has even seen. As commentators chew over the possibilities, Nato ups its attack; today hitting Gaddafi's Bab al-Azizia compound and presumably delivering yet another powerful knock to his position.

In Syria, Bashar al-Assad doesn’t look like he is about to back down to protesters. Far from it. The President has lowered himself onto the slippery slope by sending his troops into the city of Deraa – where anti-government demonstrations have been making the most noise, and where many protesters have already been killed for standing up to him.

Whistle-blowing website, WikiLeaks, has published documentation that proves that the US is guilty of detaining 150 innocent prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. You can read more about the controversial prison in Cuba here.

Speaking of such things, a whopping 500 Taleban prisoners have escaped from a prison is Afghanistan – through a tunnel hundreds of metres long. Prison breaks are actually more common than you may think. More than 1,000 escaped from a similar jail in Afghanistan back in 2008.

Berlusconi has almost managed to get a new law passed in Italy - which will shorten and simplify criminal trials - pending some final paperwork. Now if you’ve been following the news, you will notice that Berlusconi himself is currently facing high-profile charges for corruption. And you’ve guessed it – this new law would probably get him out of it. Crafty.

Speaking of new laws, Britain is about to see its University system change again – and I’m not referring to fees. In a bid to give students from bad backgrounds more of a chance, admissions officers will now have to pick candidates with lower grades, who attend schools or live in areas where not many of their peers go onto higher education. It’s essentially designed to find potential amongst less fortunate students. Plenty of straight A* candidates who have either been privately educated or who simply live in a good area, however, are already been rejected from Oxbridge as a result. This sort of thing isn’t particularly new. Governments are always trying to close the gap between social classes using University admissions rules. Still, middle class parents are hopping mad again.

Finally, new figures reveal that we are all getting older. Quite a lot older. A quarter of under-16s are now expected to reach at least 100. Lucky things? You decide…

Until tomorrow

Hoppity Hop...

Good Sunday,

A few weeks ago I pointed out that the Prince of Bahrain was invited to the upcoming Royal Wedding, and that lots of people found this diplomatically controversial, due to the recent protests there. Considering that protesters in Bahrain are asking their leaders for pretty much the same thing (democracy) as the rebels in Libya, it seems barmy that we should be waging war against Gaddafi but cuddling up to the rulers of Bahrain. Well, potential problem solved, because the Prince has politely declined his invitation for fear of causing a ‘distraction.’ Probably wise.

Meanwhile, Britain is urging anyone who is in Syria at the moment to get out, which isn’t surprising given the rapid escalation of drama there.

The President of Yemen has agreed to step down in response to mass protests against him – but only if he is granted immunity against prosecution, and only if he gets to hand power to someone he approves of. In a proper fashion. With ballot boxes and everything. He also seems to be doing a bit of a ‘Gaddafi’ in claiming that the dreaded al-Qaeda has infiltrated protest camps, so they aren’t to be trusted anyway.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has called for world peace in his big Easter Sunday speech, as has the Pope - who finished his service in Rome today by blessing his congregation in over 60 languages.

Hollywood actor Michael Sheen has completed a marathon reenactment of the Passion. Passion plays take place all around the world at Easter, dramatising the story of Jesus’ last few days. This one took place in Cornwall and lasted an astonishing 72 hours. The finale crucifixion was watched by 6000 people and took place in the middle of a roundabout.  

You are all probably rolling around, full of chocolate and ready to hit the hay. So I will leave you early this time, and with the truth behind the bizarre, anthropomorphic, egg hiding rabbit that we have come to call the Easter Bunny.

It most likely originated yonks ago from pagan festivals held at springtime, where eggs and bunnies would have featured for obvious reasons. Rabbits are known for their particularly ‘dedicated’ approach to reproduction, and eggs symbolize new life. When Christianity spread through the world, these customary traditions were absorbed into the Jesus celebrations – simply because both festivities happened to take place at the same time of year. The chocolate prominence came in later, because everyone loves chocolate and because it always does at some point.

So there you have it. Have another chocolate ovum, thank the Easter Bunny and don’t forget to say your prayers before bed.